This morning I took Steve to the 6:00 Airporter and walked along the marsh. Morning photos speak of peace.
Today I ask myself: Am I at a fork in the road?
The answer comes: No, I’m a spoon, held in a rounded cup.
I surrender to the words of Rainer Maria Rilke.
If we surrendered
to earth’s intelligence,
we could rise up rooted, like trees.
I knead the soil within, open knots and loosen “nots”, assemble unity. Marie Curie’s words radiate through:
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
My sensory awareness group met today. As I settled into myself and felt the support of the floor and the chair, a tear came and rolled down my cheek. My throat felt tight and scratchy and I began to cough. Grief extended into my heart and down to my feet.
I shared that I was experiencing a visceral feeling of grief from my brother’s death on April 14th. I had hoped I’d moved on.
Later, a woman who’d just completed a workshop at Spirit Rock on death, dying and aging asked if I thought what I was feeling related “just” to my brother’s death. I knew that it was more than that. She suggested that my feelings related to impermanence.
I could feel how true that was.
Later we worked with flexibility using partly inflated balls. I felt my holding and inflexibility. I was trying to hold a stance of strength. I felt the work of holding back tears, what it does to my legs, neck, and spine.
What I learned today is that flexibility and impermanence relate and when I can honor the waves of both, float a little more openly on the natural movement I am, I can breathe, and tears may come, but in and through the tears there are waves, and released, I breathe, and am breathed.
Allowing immersion in impermanence, I hold both joy and sorrow, no dividing, and there I celebrate the wonder of being alive. Vitality is my wand and spring when I honor that impermanence is the ocean and land we share. There’s nothing to do and nowhere to go. I’m here.
The fog is a tight wrap this first Sunday in July, and yet I wake thinking of sunflowers.
Yesterday I learned two friends lost their siblings. One lost her twin.
I’ve stopped counting the days since my brother passed, months now, but found myself expanding out into loss, into an ability to be a circle of petals rather than a tightly held bud of pain and grief.
Last week I joined Steve in his Alexander Technique session. In my first attempt to come down and sit on a stool, I felt fear still held in my knees from the accident where I broke bones in both feet and couldn’t walk. I find myself wanting to honor all that is true for me – fear, grief, anger, love. I want to receive the changes as they come.
May this be so for this collection of matter animated spirit today.
Love, Peace, and Ease.
Because the fog is in today, I look into the eyes of sunflowers. At first, I’m entranced by their petals but then I focus in more closely and what do I see – infinity.
For the celebration of Interdependence, we gathered as a family at my son Jeff and his wife Jan’s home in San Jose. Their home and yard are serene with Senna, a loving rescue greyhound, a garden and view of open land. A short walk to the top of a nearby hill opens up a vista that is the perfect place to watch firework displays from all over the South Bay. Last night, the Fourth of July, I swiveled my head like an owl trying to catch each wondrous opening of color and sparks.
The crescent moon turned golden as it began to sink into the now smoky, as though saged, evening air. The moon felt close, like a guardian, a harbinger of hope. The gathering on the hill consisted of a variety of ages and languages. Children wore headbands of light and ran around freely, no fear.
Today I sink into the truth of interdependence, bounced as though in a hammock to my cells opening to the cells of plants, recognizing the value in the difference in our cell walls. I sink into silence and stillness; receive.
In that, I suggest with kindness that only senility can explain someone stating that the army took over airports in 1775. Such a person needs mental health care.
Home now, loaded with produce from Jeff and Jan’s gardens, I give thanks for abundance in my life, and recognition of, and celebration of change.
The fog is in, softly, tenderly. I re-read the Declaration of Independence on this Fourth of July, considering our steps forward and backward. I look forward to a leap cultivating peace knowing that for every reaction, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
It’s a day to honor our Statue of Liberty and the power of connection she represents as enterprising, curious and risk-taking people make their way to our shores.
Here is Bella, in one of her many favorite places. She knows what she wants and needs.