I wake this morning realizing I’ve felt nauseous ever since my brother passed. I suppose it’s like that first three months of pregnancy, adjusting to a new way of being. Of course, there we carry a little being, but maybe here we do too. I think we carry a part of their essence, carry and integrate all the ways we’ve been touched. We carry memories of ancestry. My mother and father are here too. Somehow I feel them all gathered together as at a party looking down at me laughing as worry, anger, and fear must seem rather funny when one is released from the restrictions of a body, of emotion caught and shaken with intention to tame.
My brother’s ashes are heavy. We scattered half and I have half here, and I carry them around wondering at their weight, as he was so thin when he passed, though because of his height he was still 190 pounds, but I don’t think of ashes as having weight and yet these do.
No wonder all my cells feel as though they’re carrying little umbrellas to deal with the moistness pouring through.
On another note, the book, “Airing Out the Fairy Tale” is up on Amazon. I haven’t yet seen a copy from that source, so now I’m wearing my worry hat, fearing it’s not quite right. I already found one mistake I’d completely missed, and so it is. I believe in wabi-sabi, the philosophy that you sweep the walkway clean, and then shake the tree to drop some leaves.
It’s about the acceptance of transience and imperfection, and that acceptance is not one of my given traits, but I’m working with it, step by step, knowing there is no perfection, only how we meet what comes, and that coming is always changing as are we. My intention for today is to be calm peace.
I’ll see how long that lasts.
Blessings for all as I contemplate the frog, an amphibian. The word comes from the Greek and means “both lives”, as frogs are born in water and most live on land. I’m feeling that now, feeling transition as I birth new legs and a deeper accommodation of voice which is the vibration we cultivate to share.