Airing Out: Receiving Beauty and Power in My Views

I’m reading the Lost Children Archive, a novel,  by Valerie Luiselli.

The book is about refugee children coming to our country to escape their own. They are children “who have lost the right to a childhood”.   

The novel weaves a personal story with the horrifying and tragic plight of these children. 

I learn of Stephen Haff, who has opened a one-room schoolhouse in Brooklyn.  It’s called Still Waters in a Storm, and that is what it is.

His students who are immigrants, or children of immigrants, mostly of Hispanic origin, ranging in age from five to seventeen, are taught Latin, classical music, and how to scan poems and understand rhythm and meter.  The children learn parts of Paradise Lost by heart and understand it.  He and his students do a collective translation of Don Quixote from Spanish to English.

I learn of a little girl, eight or nine years old, arguing passionately over the “exact way” to translate these words:

“When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be too practical is madness. To surrender dreams – this may be madness.”

“To surrender dreams – this may be madness.”

I learn about Steven Feld and Murray Schafer who “thought that the sounds people make, in music or in language, were always echoes of the landscape that surrounded them.” 

“In Papua New Guinea, Feld had first recorded funerary weeping and ceremonial songs of the Bosavi people in the late 1970’s, and he later understood that the songs and weeping he had been sampling were actually vocalized maps of the surrounding landscapes, sung from the shifting, sweeping viewpoint of birds that flew over these spaces, so he started recording birds. After listening to them for some years, he realized that the Bosavi understood birds as echoes or “gone reverberations” – as absence turned into a presence; and, at the same time, as a presence that makes an absence audible. The Bosavi emulated bird sounds during funeral rites because birds were the only materialization in the world that reflected absence. Bird sounds were, according to the Bosavi, and in Feld’s words, “the voice of memory and the resonance of ancestry”.

Bird sounds – “the voice of memory and the resonance of ancestry”.

Those I’ve lost come to me as birds, my mother as a cardinal, my brother as a Great Blue Heron. My brother passed 79 days ago and still there’s an ache, a continuing  awareness of what we shared. I listen to, and watch for birds. They line my landscape and open seams.

R. Murray Schafer, best known for his World Soundscape project, wrote that “hearing is a way of touching at a distance”.

I listen to birds, touched at a distance I might not be able to imagine. I trust in touch.

Tiger sleeps next to me. He’s not a bird but his purring touches and heals.


Response

Each year I reverence this day, the last day of the first six months.  I wake and listen – birds, silence, a breath of wind, the metal of the wind chime tapping slowly enough to separate its notes into a wholeness inviting me into my own.  

I’ve purposely left this day open, open to what comes, with space between the metal bars of time, open so the wind can move through, twining, twisting, turning, evening out the breath.  

I feel emergence from a tactile dome in which I’ve been feeling my way and now I come into spaciousness and light.  There is breath, movement in and out, a landscape aware of and including me. I open shutters, let division go.

It’s the 78th day since my brother passed.  I planned to stop keeping track but something draws me back in to the ups and downs and ins and outs and yet this morning all blends gently as one.

What moves in me now as I listen to birds call?   

In reading one book, I come across another: As Consciousness Is Harnessed to Flesh by Susan Sontag.  The title is enough.

I look out on a redwood tree rising to fill my view, consider it as consciousness becoming flesh, needles sprightly in the softness of the breeze, branches rocked by the prancing rush of squirrels.

In this moment, I understand the words of Elias Amidon.  “The love you are made of will breathe you in.”

Two rocks reminding me of how wisdom rests in nesting owls

Let’s Sage the Planet

This morning I woke aware of celebrating the moisture in my eyes. I couldn’t immediately put my contacts in. I sat with my sweetheart of a cat Bella and allowed the relationship between eyes, wetness, and eyelid to unfold. Far out? Crazy? Well, pleasurable, for sure. I gave myself time to wake. I touched each finger to my face, feeling the pulse of heart through fingers and face.

I came to the computer to read an article in the LA Times by Mary McNamara titled “Ignore Marianne Williamson at Your Peril”.

I was struck by this paragraph:

All of which was pretty much in sync with what everyone else was saying. It just seemed a bit more, well, wacky when Williamson said it. Perhaps because she didn’t cradle every statement in a litany of statistics, use every opportunity to catalogue her previous experience (she may be Oprah’s spiritual advisor but she also founded Project Angel Food) or repeatedly trot out an example of how [insert topic being addressed here] was “personal” to her.

When I was first asked to donate money to the presidential campaign of Marianne Williamson, I scoffed.  Though I knew she was the original author of the words so often attributed to Nelson Mandela I wondered how many did.

Then I watched both nights of the debates and saw how she was ignored.  I saw her made fun of for wanting to “sage” the planet, but today I sit with the definitions of sage.  a profoundly wise person; a person famed for wisdom, someone venerated for the possession of wisdom, judgment, and experience.

Maybe that is what the planet needs right now.  Love trumps hate, and as Marianne said before Nelson Mandela: 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?

There are many ways to branch. Let’s give her a chance.

Living in the Layers

I wake to hear my cat Tiger breathing in my ear. He’s resting on the pillow next to mine.  When I turn my head, I peer into huge owl eyes.

His eyes invite me into my own. I notice the layers, the delicate touch of lid on ball, and as I feel the layers in my eyelid, I feel rivers, banks, mountains, rocks, and sky.  As Walt Whitman said, “I contain multitudes.” 

Yesterday I flung a bright yellow tablecloth over our round kitchen table.  I placed a softer yellow candle in the middle and lit it. I wanted to rise on a new flame, to let the grief of my brother’s passing 75 days before, and the grief of little Velvet leaving on Tuesday, rise into the sky. 

Then, the sunset last night was bright red – fire, and now this morning I see soft, white clouds – layers layering the sky.

I’m reminded of the poem “The Layers” by Stanley Kunitz.

The poem ends with this:

In my darkest night,

when the moon was covered

and I roamed through wreckage,

a nimbus-clouded voice

directed me:

“Live in the layers,

not on the litter.”

Though I lack the art

to decipher it,

no doubt the next chapter

in my book of transformations

is already written.

I am not done with my changes.


“I am not done with my changes.”  Life beckons. I’m alive. 

My friend Elaine is participating in a study at the Institute of Noetic Sciences, IONS. One question is: “Could you love a flower as much as you love a person?”

My first thought is of the transience of a flower.  A flower’s life is short compared to mine and yet the petals fall and there is fruit.  As we mature, do we feel our own petals fall? Do we feel ourselves letting go? I believe my father, mother, brother, and yes, little Velvet did too.  Did they see the fruit they’d leave behind? Yes, and we who are left nourish on it now.  

My heart blooms with love when I look at a flower, a mirror veining connection between mountains and rivers, life and death.

Morning Sky


Day 75: A Little More on Grief

I sit here now after a Zoom call with three close friends.  The four of us spoke about and shared the weight and pain of grief.

I shared how on Tuesday I broke down when I bent to pet a little dog.  Sobbing I told the man who held the leash that my son and his wife had just lost their little dog Velvet/Vellie.

I’m not one to cry in public and certainly not with a man simply walking by.  What’s happening to me now? What is this weight that continues to break apart?

Anna led us today in Sensory Awareness.  We began by moving from our elbow, allowing our elbow to lead.   We then allowed the wrist to lead, the pinkie. As we moved the arm and shoulder blade, we felt into the back of our lungs, the front of our heart.

I felt how I hadn’t been breathing fully, had been holding onto my breath.  We spoke of how there may be a place for that, a place to hold back, and as I sit here I think of how grief, all grief, touches us deeply within and asks us to pull apart as though removing a shirt.  What is it to live with a full heart, open and exposed, beating, beating, beating, pounding the sound of breathing, connecting transition with love?

We agreed it may feel painful to allow the full pulse and weight of grief, but only those who do so are allowed to reach into the tangled thorns and bring forth the rose.

I look out now, allowing my eyes to open, flowers on a stalk, birthed and berthed, in the soil and soul of my heart.  

A rose in my garden


Day 75: Being a Dendrophile

Those who’ve been following this blog know I’ve been keeping an accounting of the days since my brother passed away.  This is day 75. Yesterday his wife and daughter flew back home to renew their lives, one to CT and one to Boston. I sit with that now, with the life that each of us roots and rises.

I am a dendrophile, a word I just learned.  I love trees.

I remember the first tree I fell in love with.  It was in our backyard on University Avenue in Des Moines, Iowa.  I climbed up into it, and sat embraced. The trunk rose, then spread in a hand-clasp of four. It is my special place even now though I also revere the redwood tree in my yard that rises as one to become two.  

Today I am with the Is that So? story.  There are different versions but the point is that things happen to us, and each event is open to interpretation as to good or bad, but though the immediate interpretation may be perceived as good or bad, in the long run, it all evens out.

I can say the “midlife crisis” and my experience of menopause was intense but it led to a breaking open of my shell, an examination of my life.  It led to an “airing out of the fairy tale” in which I’d been raised, and opened a new ability to know myself. Though painful at times, I wouldn’t change it for anything.  It allows me to be who I am now which isn’t to say I don’t still have a long way to go.

When I went through surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation for cancer treatment, and was “cut, poisoned, and burned” as one person put it, I felt how connected we all are.  I was immersed in love.

Now, I sit here, surprised at the hit I took with my brother’s passing.  He’d been sick for three years so I’m grateful he’s free of pain and expanded into a wider world.  I’ve spent the last 75 days remembering back, but now, I’m ready to look forward again, to enter into a time span more connected with trees who tend to live longer than we.

I look to my teachers as they rise and give oxygen.  I’m grateful for all we share. As I allow the trees to move through me, my horizon seeps.

Redwood tree in my yard greeting the morning sun



Day 74: The Peak of Kindness

It’s been 74 days since my brother passed and one day since our beloved little Vellie opened up to a wider world and view.  

I haven’t been talking about my book, Airing Out the Fairy Tale: Trekking through Nepal & Midlife but today I come back to myself and my book.

On June 23rd, John Oliver focused his show on Mount Everest.  My book deals with the call that menopause invites, and that call took me to the Everest area.  I had no desire to climb Everest but I did hike to 18,000 feet and I was sharing the area with those who seemed focused on a need to achieve rather than receiving the beauty and spiritual fragrance of the air as it circulates there.

I end my book with the suggestion of Jan Morris to re-name Mount Everest The Peak of Kindness, and that would be translated into each person’s native language, so the name when spoken would touch the heart with a wand of tender trust, The Peak of Kindness.

May we each live our day with the words of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, My Religion is Kindness.

May we each give and receive Peace, Love, and Tenderness this beautiful, precious, sacred summer day. 

Buddha Cat



Fog brings a cap to the day




Day 73: Velvet, the Great Healer

Little Velvet has passed in Chris’s arms, hearing Frieda’s voice. Frieda is in Montana though now on her way back.

It’s hard to understand such loss, to be with the weight of continuing grief. Perhaps it’s the release of a dam that allows us to think we have some sort of control, but, no, we learn we don’t. All that matters is Love, and that is what Velvet, and her brother Senna, and others, give. As John Squadra wrote, and I often say, “When we love, we create a circle. When we die, the circle remains,” and so the circle of love Velvet, little Vellie created, remains.

This little girl battled cancer like no one I’ve ever seen, well, maybe my brother. The two of them gave it their all, and now, they’re out of pain, and we here struggle as tears come to eventually wash away grief.

Little Velvet, “Vellie”



Day 73: Cultivating Compassion

 This morning I’m humming the song Mariah.  There are two songs from my childhood: Que Sera and Mariah.  Steve points out I’m humming again which is curious because after a beautiful day, last night hammered in as a tough one.  

My son and his wife, Chris and Frieda, adopted a rescue Keeshond a few years ago.  Velvet’s owner had passed away and Velvet is a light in their lives. She is one of those enlivened beings who lifts you in a smile. She loves life and her huge brown eyes shine bright.  Spirit pours through.

When they got her they found out she had cancer but they thought surgery got it all but it’s been a battle and the sweet little thing has once again been undergoing chemotherapy for cancer treatment.  Today they’ll find out if there is no hope and they need to put her to sleep or if she can be kept alive a month or two so they’ll have time to prepare. She had another transfusion last night.

They’re not ready.  I understand. I’m not ready either and I don’t understand why it’s so painful and hard.  I’m once again caught as though I’m in a hammock or on a trampoline and I’m struggling to get out or off.  I need a pause, and I know I’m the only one who can create one. My brother passed 73 days ago, and I wonder what it is to navigate this thing called “fun”.

Katy and I shared a wonderful day yesterday, had brunch at Cavallo Point and again a Great Blue Heron stood watch.  I sit with it now, this pain of letting go. I want to understand. I’m trying to be compassionate with myself, and then, a voice comes in, “Can’t you move along? What’s wrong with you?”

Last night Frieda posted what BARK – Bay Area Rescue Keeshond had posted on Velvet – Vellie – people are praying for her, and I think of connection, and how these people are praying for this bright spirit of a dog, and how the little dear came into our lives to give us what we need, the ability to allow even more tears, tears of love, compassion, and connection, tears of liquid love, to fall.

When Chris was in second grade, his fish died.  It was one of those fish you “win” at a fair. He needed to go to school as it was a nation-wide test day but when I drove him, he wouldn’t get out of the car.  I went in and spoke with the teacher and she said it was important to honor his grief, to take him home and be with the loss of the fish. There’s always another day for making up what’s missed.  I feel like I’ve given myself time, and then it’s like there’s another hit, another need to mobilize and honor the complexity of this amazing world we share.  

I’m with that now, with sensitivity, and grief.  I know grief carves out more room for joy. I know this, but some days, and this is one of them, it’s tough to mobilize on that knowing and now I remember a jewelry box I had as a child.  When I opened the lid, a tiny ballerina spun around on a point on a mirror.  

May that be me today, a ballerina spinning on a fine point as we take the ferry to the city knowing there are many prayers in the air for Little Vellie. I trust the love she gives and the fighter she is, and that, she, too, that little fur ball, with many shaved places for surgery and insertions, has her own path, and there is love.

My niece Katy and I in the Headlands



Velvet five days ago – a trooper even undergoing chemotherapy