Power is back on which means seeing lanterns, candles, and a headlamp lying about ready to be put away for next time. Perhaps there is something about the dark which indulges and includes, but the dishwasher has run, and laundry is happening, and I find myself considering grief.
I realize it’s six months since my brother passed away – six months.
I think of pain, how deeply it carves the flesh. And it’s not just about the pain of losing my brother, which may be tied to loss in general, a loss of family members and friends, and a different type of loss, a loss of democracy, a loss of order, which requires a recognition that we don’t have control. I have tons of inspirational quotes on surrender, but today I sit with a wider awareness, an expansiveness that allows me to touch the different forms and ways in which spirit flows through. I watch Bella, my beloved cat, as she sleeps and breathes.
I am a 2 on the Enneagram, which means relationship is important to me. I find pleasure in giving, in anticipating what another might need, but how can I know what another needs? How do I know what I need? When I work with John Baron and the Alexander Technique, I see how ready I am to help. I tighten in expectation of how to help. It’s hard for me to let go, to curve into letting go, rather than what I perceive as a more straightforward holding on approach.
I understand that as I change habitual patterns, my world will change, and I feel that happening, and still there will be a return, and all of it is so visceral. I struggle with this letting go, and these two days without power perhaps gives me more of a leaning into what can be, and what is.
All of this has me considering what we’re up against in this country right now. We have outside forces working to disrupt, and a government that appears compromised with a head who has no awareness or concept of morality, ethics, right action or right speech.
In high school, I learned about the Compromise of 1820 and the Compromise of 1850. I believe in compromise, and yet compromise didn’t halt the horrors of the Civil War between 1861 and 1865.
The nation is divided right now. I sit with that, sit with sorrow and grief, as I watch first Trump, and then Steve Kerr, a master of morality in opposition to what must end, and soon, for all of our sakes.